Opening the heart
Last November I turn 31, I woke up wanting to stand on my head, so I did, Yoga has been my medicine, the past year I lived a strong experience, a loved one hurt my family and disrespected me, it wasn’t easy for anyone who was involved, and as a result of all, my heart was hurt on several occasions. I did not know how to react and what I did was to protect myself and make the decisions I thought were best to heal my wounds. With my decisions I hurt, I hurt because I did not do what was expected of me; during my short life I have hurt, without intending to, perhaps in full unconscious of the damage I was doing, I have hurt loved ones and the hardest thing about hurting someone I love, whether it’s for a good or a bad decision, has been learning to forgive myself.
Before this experience, my path of forgiveness have been full of confusions; sometimes logic and my whole being felt willing to “forgive” my parents for any harm they might have done to me during my childhood, such as making me take responsibility for my younger sister when I was 7, or ignoring abuse by my mother’s partner, just to name a couple which I felt especially hurt with; I believed I was ready, saying I forgave them because I understood the mental/emotional state they were in, but it didn’t feel like the wound had healed, even though I wanted to, I couldn’t feel it, I was just less angry or it was enough for me to understand them and respect their decisions. Many times I’ve felt frustrated because I know that the relationship with my parents can be better and although, with all the work we’ve done, has improved a lot, if I looked inside me and being totally sincere, I did not feel what forgiveness is, what is forgiveness? how does it feel? I asked myself, is it too egomaniacal to think that I am ‘someone’ to forgive?
This time, the occasion presented me with the opportunity to choose from the beginning, I chose to forgive those who hurt me, I got tired of holding resentments a long time ago, so I decided to change from the beginning the perspective with which I saw things, who judges? the mind or the one who chooses to? I believe in the strength of choice and judgments are thoughts so I can choose, I chose not to be a judge, just observe and let go, that’s where this little path of forgiveness began; I understood in my heart, I learned to see love in me and embraced it, I opened my heart and learned to forgive, I found and understood that I could learn much more by keeping this love alive, with my heart open, wounds heal faster because there is enough love flowing.
The work has consisted of an inner observation, what is the reality with myself? How do I treat myself? Along the way, I have found myself in greater need of forgiving myself than I thought, beginning with the harm I did to my loved ones, often without realizing it; like when, at 15, I was not calling my mother for months, she knew that I was traveling on a hitchhiker and was worried, I never thought of calling because I was immersed in my experience and when I least realized, the time had passed, when I finally called her she cried and until that moment I thought about her feelings, now I understand that it is because of the ‘shell’ of defense that I’ve created so that others wouldn’t hurt me when I believed that I was alone and the world only wanted to hurt me, there was no empathy as a filter, I was a wounded girl who only trusted herself.
The practice of Yoga and meditation have gone hand in hand on this path, I embrace my practice and I thank myself every time I return to the mat, I thank my grandmother, my teacher, all my teachers, I thank life one more day and for having shown me the path of forgiveness, I have begun to work on what has hurt me most, what I have done to myself, like depriving myself of deep feelings so as not to get hurt, among them, the same forgiveness. What is forgiveness? I could only describe it as a warm embrace of my own in the heart, like love. And as an observer of this experience today I choose love, I choose to follow this path of transformation, of learning, life has given me learning; I choose to embrace them and embark one more day on this wonderful reality on earth, knowing myself and loving myself on the road.